I'm in an evil mood this morning, students, so here's a surprise quiz. It's going to count for fifty percent of your final grade. In this essay quiz, you must discuss the following questions and defend your positions to my satisfaction. You have twenty minutes. And remember -- points will be taken off for bad penmanship.
1. Charlie Sheen. Winner?
2. Today is the first anniversary of legal gay marriage in Washington D.C. How in hell does this threaten my marriage?
3. Which of the following parents of celebrities should be given a hard whack on the head, and why? Pick only one.
- Dina Lohan
- Michael Lohan
- Joe Simpson
- Joe Jackson
- Billy Ray Cyrus
- Sarah Palin
- Simon Cowell's father
- Glenn Beck's father
- L. Ron Hubbard (Tom Cruise's father figure)
- Tom Cruise
- All of the above.
4. Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachman (choose one). Sexy, bat-shit crazy, or both?
5. The Facebook revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt have resulted in their respective governments being overthrown. Not so much yet in Libya. If the revolution fails in Libya, should the opposition try again, this time using chain letters? Defend your answer.
6. Rep. Peter King. Radical I.R.A. supporter or radical Muslim non-supporter? And how will affect his pledge to launch multiple investigations into President Obama, radical Hawaiian supporter?
7. You have been ordered to slash the country's budget by $2.57. What cut(s) would you make, how would defend them, and what would the overall fiscal, social, and political effects be?
8. When will e-books be overtaken by technology?
9. A copy of Amazing Fantasy #15, featuring the first appearance of Spider-Man, just sold for $1.5 million dollars. Why did my mother throw away my copy? Did she not want to see me become rich, or did she just hate me?
10. Why do these quizzes have ten questions? If I were a polydactyl (born with six fingers on each hand), would I have to think up another two questions?