Small House of Everything

Small House of Everything

Saturday, April 14, 2012


Decisions, decisions, decision.  Should I do my taxes or should I play around on the computer? Hmmm.  Hmmm.  A lightbulb flashes dimly over my head and -- just as quickly -- flashes out.  There was a sharp, bright electical shock from the extinquished light, reminescent of electoshock therapy.  "Eureka!" cried I, preparatory to taking off my clothes and running through the town.  Today, I realized,  was April 14th...I have plenty of time to do my taxes!  Why not play on the computer, at least until the bailiffs come.

     And...wait for it...April is month number four.  Today is day number fourteen.  If you subtract the four from the fourteen, the result is ten!  And, yes, I know one could have reserversed the order and suntract fourteen from four, but that's confusing and hurts my head and goes into territory where no man has entered and lived!!!  Anyway we are left with ten, consisting of two mumbers, 1 and 0.  We can divide ten by two in two different ways, I guess.  We can divide it in two horizontally, but we areleft with a 1 and an 0; but 0 is nothing  so we really have just one number and that just won't suit our purpose and make my head hurt even more.  We could the other way and used the Miss Primsnort method she taught us in second grade.  That would make the whole job easier (the answer's five -- see how easy!) but does introduce another problem in the form of Miss Primsnort, the meanest, nastiest, ugliest teacher in the whole world -- and that includes Kentucky.  Jerry, I hear you telling me, Miss Primsnort has been dead and buried for over twenty years.  To that I answer Bushwah!  Evil never sleeps.  One day she will rise from her hellish grave and haunt me with word problems about two trains rushing to their bloody, crushed fates while she merrily asks how fast are they going and how far out of St. Louis will their inevitable, tragic deaths occur and was the baby in the third car a boy or a girl.  I have had dreams of hee savagely attacking me with finely-honed hypotenuse, capable of cleaving one of my mother's corn cassaroles with a single swipe!  **BRRRR!**  But I digress.  I force myself to breathe deeply and think happy thoughts.  Besides, ever since she was put in the ground, a long, rotating line of her former students take turns peeing on her grave, 24/7.  Nobody, no matter how mean, wants tocrawl up through the dirt only the face that.

     So the die has been cast.  I have crosses the Rubicon with my army of elephants.  I haveput on my big-girl panties and have eated the Brussel sprouts while belling the cat.  SPOILER ALERT:  I have made my momentous decision and I think it has something to do with the number 5.

     All of this heavy thinking has made me tired so I'm going to bed.  Maybe I can think of what I'm going to do with the number 5.  Feel free, if you will, to carry on without me for the rest of the night.

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