Elliot Handler, the co-founder (with his wife Ruth) of Mattel, died last night at age 95. Handler's wife created an iconic doll in the 1950s which Handler named "Barbie" in honor of their daughter Barbara. Over the years, Barbie has been unable to hold a job and has had many careers, from nurse to (I believe -- I'm not really up on these things) astronaut. Nevertheless, she has been able to afford such items as luxury cars and a number of expensive houses. She has starred in a number of movies and has appeared in quite a few books, none of which seem to appeal to any girl over the age of five. Some experts believe that she was a precursor to Paris Hilton, famous only for being famous.
Long a cash cow for the Handlers' company, Barbie's dismorphic appearance may be one of the causes behind a number of cases of anorexia and bulemia over a period spanning seven decades. Barbie was also well-known for her several close disfunctional friends, including on-again/off-again boyfriend Ken who stoicly maintained a positive demeanor and clenched grin when it was revealed to the world (and also to Barbie, evidently) that he had no genitals. Another close ally was Barbie's girlfriend Skipper, who could make her breasts grow by twisting her arm -- a trick that evidently resulted in a number of middle school injuries.
Rest easy, Mr. Handler. You knew not what you wrought.