Ed may like to say he's cranky, but people in the know say he's a sweetheart. Me, however, I took the gold in cranky in the last four Olympics -- and that was on a full stomach. So following in the footsteps of the Ed, here's my humble, albeit venomous, list.
- MICHELLE BACHMAN. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's a given. The mini-Palin doesn't seem to be as mean-spirited as the original, but she actually seems denser and -- unlike Palin -- she really seems to believe what she is saying. Recently Chris Wallace backed down and apologized to Bachman for asking her how she reacted to being called a flake. For that, Wallace would have made the list if there weren't so many other worthy contenders.
- SYLVIO BERLUSCONI. What a tool. There's a lot of American politicians who could take his spot for various escapades of hanky-panky, but Signore B is supposedly running a country that could well be the next to spread jitters in the world economy. I think it was Tom Paxton who wrote a song intended for inspiring politicians, "Zip It Up!"
- ERIC CANTOR. Sticking with politicians, how about the boy who took his toys and huffed out of budget negotiations? Speaker Boehner is willing to deal (although he foolishly wants to take it down to the wire), but Cantor and his ilk would rather see everything go down the toilet if everything doesn't go their way. Despite doom and gloomers and the threat that raising taxes kills jobs, the historical evidence says the complete opposite.
- GRETCHEN CARLSON. A Fox & Friends empty talking head. She makes Steve Doocy look Einstein.
- KEVIN COSNER. Here's one who's not a politician. There's nothing appealing about the guy and his movies are terrible. Two exceptions: Field of Dreams, which owed more to the source material than Cosner, and The Big Chill, where every scene with Cosner was cut out.
- TOM CRUISE. Here's a guy who keeps marrying them younger. With actually counting, I think there's 18 years between each of his wives. The guy's talent has been entirely overshadowed/diminished by his ego. And he totally screwed up the Mission: Impossible mythos by making Phelps a villain. Shame, shame, Tom! I won't even go into the whole Scientology thing.
- RUPERT MURDOCH. Pure slime.
- MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBORS. Not the ones on the left, the ones on the right. Since we've moved in, the house has been rented. First was guy with the prison tear-drop tattoo who would come to our door at night and offer to sell us food stamps. Then came the guy who raised pit bulls to be sold for fighting. Then came the family that wouldn't talk, although the ten-year old boy was nice even if he did a lousy job shoveling my driveway. Then came the family we couldn't count, because we had no idea how many lived there; the mother sent a young daughter over one night to borrow ten dollars for a taxi to take a child to the emergency room. I never saw the ten dollars and I never saw the taxi. For the last week they lived there, she'd send a bunch of kids with empty bottles and pails for water. Then they were gone and all their furniture was on the side of the road. The house is empty now and is for sale, although the house is trashed and the asking price is too high. So whoever comes next, I'm pretty sure I can live without you.
- JERRY SEINFELD. A lot of people would add him to their own list. He's not funny. His show could be funny at times, but he wasn't. And, A Bee Movie, really? And his wife puts a dollop of vegetables into her baking so the kids will eat veggies. Again, really? First she doesn't add enough to offset the other crap she puts in. And, second, you're the damned parent -- why are you teaching your kids to hate vegetables?
- PETE WENTZ. Now here's a guy who was married to Ashlee Simpson and had Joe Simpson as a father-in-law. Normally someone in that position would have my sympathy. But before he married Ashlee, he was asked what he thought was the best thing in the world. He answered, "My girlfriend's vagina." Classy, Pete, really classy. And Ashlee still married him, for a while at least. Classy, Ashlee, classy.