NEWS FLASH!

 MICKY SPILLANE TO UNDERGO  "PURITY" TEST

Mystery Writer's Work Next to Be Censored?

APRIL 1, 2023

PITCHFORK, FLORIDA  (JHOE NEWS SERVICE) --  First it was chilldren's author Roald Dahl. then James Bond creator Ian Fleming, followed by legendary mystery author Agatha Christie.  Now it appears that Mickey Spillane, best-selling author of hardboiled detective stories, is next in line to have his work "edited for content" and republished in "less offensive" versions for "modern, sensitive readers."

The plan is the brainchild of Let's Be Nice (LBN), a newly-formed group organized to "take things out of the gutter," according to spokesperson and current co-chair Ms. Lettice Sniff.  "There's just too much stuff in books that can be harmful to our children." said Ms. Sniff, who is childless.  "Sex, violence, naughty words, crime, liberalism, things that may hurt one's feelings, or change a view of the world from what God had intended -- all of this has to stopped before we burn in an eternal pit of fire."

The first target of LBN is writer Mickey Spillane (1918-2006), the creator of private eye Mike Hammer.  Hammer first saw p[rint in  I, the Jury (1947), the first of many books which catapulted the author to being one of the twentieth century's most popular authors.  At one time, six of the ten top best-selling American fiction titles were written by Spillane.  Sniff said Spillane's works will be submitted for review to a "professional sensitivity panel," which would flag any questionable words, phrases or sentences.  These would then be excised to create a "more proper" works.   Asked if the end result would be each book then fitting on to a postcard, Sniff replied, "So?"

Ms. Sniff was then asked if LBN had received approval of Spillane's literary executor, Max Allan Collins.  Ms. Sniff said, "Who?  Oh. Him.  He's over seventy.  I'm sure he'll be dead or drooling from Alzeimer's any day now, anyway."  When told that neither of these appeared to be happening any time in the near future, Ms. Sniff's tone turned ominous, as she shifted the red cap on her head, "Anything can happen.  Any Thing."

There is no official record anywhere of a group called Let's Be Nice.  Asked about the size of the group, Ms. Sniff would not give any details, only to say, "It's large.  It's vary large.  Most of my friends belong and the three of us are looking to expand nationally."

The target of their current crusade, Mickey Spillane, was also well-know televised Miller Lite beer commercials in the 1980s.  "We'll be looking at those, too," Sniff said.  "We plan to digitally remove the beer from those commericals and replace it with Grape Ne-Hi/"

And what is next for LBN and their crusade to clean up America?  "We're looking at the Oxford Engl;ish Dictionary.  It has words.  Too many words.  Not nice words," Ms.Sniff said.