BITS & PIECES

Openers:

Clovis cracked an almond, nibbled it, then ate a raisin.  He turned a yellow-irised, b;ck pupiled eye on his companion, August Von Lerner.  His voice was bitter.

"I," he said, "am weary of all this.  I desire to go away from it all."

"Ach," said August, "so many times this has been coming up of late."

He sighed in sorrow and gazed up out the cool veranda to the beautiful Brazilian coastline, watched the waves break upon the shore.  "Such a lovely spot," he thought.

"Why are you not happy, my little one?" he asked.

"As you know," said Clovis, "I resent being referred to as little one.  Aside from that, what is happiness?  Is it spending the hundred or so years of one's life in unceasing changeless ness, with the only hope of variety being death?"

August Von Lerner shuddered.

"Do not mention death," he pleaded.  It is far in the future for you.  For me, it is a mere handful pof tomorrows."

--  Clovis,  by Michael Fessier, 1948

A few weeks ago, I wrote about Fessier's first novel, Fully Dressed and in His Right Mind, an indescribable and inexplicable phantasmagoria that lingers long after one has read it.  Clovis -- his second and last novel -- is a horse of a different color.  Or, should I say, parrot.

For Clovis is a parrot, a most unique parrot, the result of centuries of cross-breeding by the Von Lerner family to develop a super-intelligent bird.  Clovis is a multi-lingual philosopher and pendant, the only one of its kind; and August Von Lerner is the last remaining member of his family line, and -- to Clovis's mind -- a slow thinking one.  Clovis desires for some purpose that would put his massive intellect to use; he is not getting it from August's narrow world.  The books Clovis reads are beginning to bore him and August is so easily beaten at chess...

Clovis wants to go into the world, perhaps to the jungles of Brazil where he can meet and influence those of his own kind, using his talents to raise psittacids to new heights and glories.  And so he ventures off, leaving August behind.  But Clovis soon realizes that parrots do not understand any of the human languages he speaks, and the knowledge of parrot language had been bred out of his ancestors several generations ago.  But Clovis perseveres, meeting a willing female parrot he calls Red-Head, who is more interested in mating than anything else, but Clovis has more noble pursuits in mind.  Clovis fails in his efforts to bring civilization to parrot-kind and barely manages to escape with his life.  This follows a pattern that follows Clovis throughout the book -- despite his best efforts, he fails because, despite his extreme intelligence, he really does not understand how people of animals work.

In rapid order, he is captured by a naked Brazilian Indian, whose wife wants to make a stew of him, is rescued by an unscrupulous fortune hunter who wants to put him on display and threatens to burn his feet if he resists (Clovis if deathly afraid of fire), finds himself on a freighter full of caged animals bound for America, and ends up in a pet shop where the most unsuitable people wish to buy him.

Eventually he is purchased by the ditzy Miss Caress Grobney and taken to her home, where she lives with her equally ditzy sister Lulu and Lulu's greedy and amoral husband, Sylvian Prent.  Also in the household is the niece, Honeybird, who holds the keys to a the family immense fortune, and the surly butler Beamish.  The other four members of the household are plotting to kill Hloneybird because they was all that "beautiful" money. clovis trie to stop them and is aided by Thad Campo, the fortune hunter who had captured Clovis in Brazil and then had lost him; Campo had followed Clovis to America, determined to get him back and place him on display.

Honeybird is a beautiful virgin and, although told by doctors that she is both frigid and sterile, wants nothing more than to have sex, especially with Campo.  Soon, Clovis, honeybird and Campo are on the run from the four would-be murderers.  They learn the harsh realities of attempting to profit from a leaned lecture on evolution by a talking parrot, the mundane facts of life of the film business, and the follies of a religious cult before everything is resolved, Clovis discovers his true purpose, and Honeybird learns she is a nymphomaniac.

This book had me smiling on every page, from the pedantry of Clovis to the human folly of everyone he met.  It is a short book, merely 149 pages, with not a waster word. It is both satirical and farcical, but never really whimsical.  The best word I could come up with to describe the novel is 'sly."  A true wonder of a read.  As I was happily turning the pages I kept thinking of how much fun Fessier must have had writing it.

Incoming:  I'm fairly sure I already have some of these lurking in the bowels of Mount TBR; if so, my loss will be the Salvation Army's gain.

• Peter Ackroyd, The Lambs of London.  Historical fiction.  A tale of the famous and scandalous literary family.  Charles Lamb, essayist and poet, was one of the most revered literary figures of his day, and is best remembered for Essays of Elia (1823) and , with his sister Mary, Tales from Shakespeare (1807).  Both brother and sister suffered from mental illness, and Mary killed her mother in 1796.  Ackroyd is a novelist, biographer, and critic, much of whose work focuses on the history and culture of London.  His books are always worthwhile.
• M. R. Carey, The Book of Koli.  Fantasy, the first novel in a trilogy.  "Everything that lives hates us...  Beyond the walls of the small village of Mythen Rood lies an unrecognizable landscape.  A place where overgrown forests are filled with choker trees and deadly seeds that will kill you where you stand.  And if they don't get you, one the shunned men will.  Koli has lived in Mythen Rood his entire life.  He believes the first rule of survival is that you don't venture too fr beyond the walls.  He's wrong."  Carey, who also writes as Mike Carey, is the award winning author of eighteen novels, including the Felix Castor series and The Girl with All the Gifts, two collections, and many graphic novels and comic books, including the long-running Lucifer series based on the Neil Gaiman character.
• Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl:  The Arctic Incident.  Young adult novel, the third in a series about a 12-year-old criminal mastermind.  "The world's youngest, brightest, and most dangerous criminal mastermind is back.  Artemis Fowl receives an urgent e-mail from Russia.  In it is a plea from a man who has been kidnapped by the Russian Mafiya:  his father.  As Artemis rushes to his rescue, he is stopped by a familiar nemesis, Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon unit.  Now, instead of battling the fairies, Artemis must join forces with them to save lone of the few people in the world he loves."
• Michael Fessier, Clovis.  Fantasy.  Once again I have to thank George Kelley, who sent this book along to me; in his note George described the book as "strange and weird."  Clovis is a talking, multi-language parrot just trying to get along in this world.  The New York Herald Tribune wrote, "We don't say this is the book you have been waiting for (since waiting for the incredible is inconceivable) but if you pass up this melange of mirth, it's just your own carelessness.  For new slants on sex, heredity, inebriation, motion picture production or religious cults, Me. Fessier is your man."
• Karen Joy Fowler, Booth.  Historical fiction.  "In 1822, a secret family moves into a secret cabin sone thirty miles northeast of Baltimore, to farm, to hide, and to bear ten children over the course of the net sixteen years.  Junius Booth -- breadwinner, celebrated Shakespearean actor, and master of the house in more ways that one -- is at once a mesmerizing talent and a man of terrifying instability, given to drunken threats and directives amid a theater-born wisdom.  One by one the children arrive, and year by year, the country draws frighteningly close to the boiling point of secession and civil war.  As the tenor of the world shifts, the Booths emerge from their hidden lives to cement their pace as one of the country's leading theatrical families.  But behind the curtains of the many stages they have graced, multiple scandals, family triumphs, and criminal disasters begin to take their toll, and the solemn siblings of John Wilkes Booth are left to reckon with the truth behind the destructively specious promise of an early prophecy.  A startling portrait of a country in the throes of change and a vid exploration of brother- and sisterhood, Booth is a riveting historical novel founded on the very things that bind, and break a family."  By sheer coincidence, the day before I came across this book, I had read a fascinating, detailed article from a 1924 issue of Harper's Magazine about a man who claimed to be the real John Wilkes Booth, who had avoided capture in 1865 and had lived incognito until 1903; the case for the claim seemed pretty convincing, as was the case against it -- both had specious aspects.  So, having experienced this serendipity, how could I not by this book?
• Jane Gaskell, The City.  Fantasy, the third book in the Atlan saga.  "For seventeen years she has lived in the Tower, imprisoned by her family under an ancient curse.  Now, at last, Princess Cija is free -- only to marry as her mother, the Dictatress, decrees.  She must marry the vile half-serpent Zerd, head of the conquerinfghordes.  She must travel with his army as its hostage, camp follower, scullion, slave -- or empress -- or supreme warrior.  At her mother's command, she must entice and destroy the repulsive Zerd.  But she is only seventeen, naive in the sensuous ways of a seductress."  Gaskell is the great-great-great-grand-niece of famed Victorian writer Elizabeth Gaskell.
• Tom Holt, Divine Comedies.  Omnibus of two comic fantasies, Here Comes the Sun (1993) and Odds and Gods (1995).  Here Comes the Sun:  "The sun rises late, dirty and so badly in need of a service it's a wonder it gets up at all.  The moon's going to be scrapped soon and a new one commissioned.  But they've been saying that for years.  All is not well with the universe...and ir's because the mortals are running the show.  It's time for a Higher Power to take charge."  Odds and Gods:  "It's a god's life at the Sunnyvoyde Residential home for retired deities.  Everlasting life can be a real drag when all you've got to look forward to is cauliflower cheese on Wednesdays.  But things are about to change, because those almighty duffers Thor, Odin and Frey have restored a thousand-year-old traction engine, and the thing actually works!"  Holt also writes as K. J. Parker.
• Alex Irvine, The Adventures of Tintin.  Tie-in juvenile novelization of the 201i animated film directed by Stephen Spielberg and based on the comic book character by Herge.
• Marvin Kaye, editor, The Dragon Quintet.  Fantasy anthology of five novelettes by Orson Scott Card, Mercedes Lackey, Tanith Lee, Elizabeth Moon, and Michael Swanwick.  Firedrakes aplenty.
• George H. Meyer, Al Capone's Devil Driver.  Autobiography (as told to Chaplain Ray and Max Call) of a mobster turned God's warrior, published by a religious press and "distributed to jail and prison inmates throughout North America by International Prison Ministry", so take it for what it is.   " 'Devil' was his nickname.  That is what the members of the Al Capone mob called George Meyer.  his boss was known as 'Scarface' Al Capone, the  most feared of the Chicago gangsters in the violent and crime-ridden decades of the twenties and thirties.  George Meyer was only nineteen years of age when he joined the  mob.  He drove the car for the weekly payoffs of crooked police and greedy politicians.  Soon Frank 'The Enforcer' Nitti introduced George to Al Capone, saying, 'This is the kid I was telling you about.'  He quickly became Capone's favorite driver, for gangland killings, for assassination hits, and for any important action that involved the Capone mob.  Though assumed to have been the driver on the 'St. Valentine's Day Massacre' of the Moran gang at a garage on Clark Street, in 1929, Meyer was never charged with the crime, nor tried for it.  Today [in 1971 - JH] he looks like a distinguished U.S. Senator, and speaks like lone,  But his authority comes now from God's Word, and not from an underworld Godfather."  Sometimes books sound so bad that I have to pick them up.
• James Patterson & Chris Grabenstein, World Champions!  A Max Einstein Adventure.  Mid-grade children's book.  "From racing across glaciers in Greenland and flying a super-fancy solar-powered jet to Hawaii, to visiting the Great Barrier Reef off the coast of Australia and hanging put with a robot named Leo, twelve-year-old genius Max and her friends live for adventure.  Whenever there's a problem to solve, the kids work better together.  So does an evil group of rich and powerful kids who will do whatever it takes to split the kids up -- even as the planet is changing before their eyes.  Max has one more surprise in her playbook, and if she's going to pull it off, she needs her team around her.  who de er said that kids can't save the world?"  Bought only because I'm a great fan of Graberstein's earlier work, the John Ceepak mystery series.  His young adult and children's books include many collaborations with Patterson, as well as the Haunted mysteries, the Riley Mack series, and the Mr. Lemoncollo series. 
• Douglas Preston & Lee Child, Cold Vengeance.  Thriller, the eleventh in the Pendergast series and the second novel in the Helen trilogy.  "Devastated by the discovery that his wife, Helen, was murdered, Special Agent Pendergast must have retribution.  But revenge is not simple.  As he stalks his wife's betrayers -- a chase that takes him to the wild moors of Scotland to the bustling streets of New York City and the darkest bayous of Louisiana -- he is also forced to dig further into Helen's past.  And he is stunned to learn that Helen may have been a collaborator in her own  murder.  Peeling h]back the layers of deception, Pendergast realizes that the conspiracy is deeper, goes back generations, and is more monstrous than he could ever have imagined -- and everything he's believed, everything he's trusted, everything he's understood -- may be a horrible lie."
• "J. D. Robb" (Nora Roberts), Passions in Death.  The 59th novel in the Eve Dallas futuristic romance-police procedural series.  I have started reading the series in order and have just finished Book Two, so I will probably get to this in 2087, or thereabouts.  "On a hot August night, Lieutenant Eve Dallas and her husband, Rourke, speed through the streets of Manhattan to the Down and Dirty club, where a joyful, boisterous pre-weeding girls' girls night out has turned into a murder scene.  One of the brides lies in a pool of blood, garroted in a private room where she was preparing a surprise for her fiancee -- two scrimped-and-saved-for tickets to Hawaii.  Despite the dozens of people present, useful witnesses are hard to come by.  It all brings back some bad memories for Ever, who once suffered an assault in the very same room -- but she had been able to fight back and survive.  She'd gotten justice.  And  now she needs to provide some justice for poor young Erin..."
• Sharon A. Russell, Stephen King, a Critical Companion.  Nonfiction from 1996.  A look at King's work from Carrie through Rose Madder.  Part of Geenwood Press's Critical Companions to Popular Contemporary Writers series.  Russell was a professor of communication and women's studies at Indiana State University.
• Andrzej Sapkowski, Sword of Destiny.  Fantasy collection of five stories about Geralt the Witcher -- "a man whose magic powers enhanced by long training and a mysterious elixir, have made him a brilliant fighter and a merciless assassin.  Yet he is no ordinary murderer.  His targets are the monsters and vile fiends that rampage the land and attack the innocent."  Also, The Last Wish.  The book that introduced The Witcher.  Sapkowski has been called Poland's Tolkien, and his tales of the Witcher have been made into a popular television series; he won the World Fantasy Award for Lifetime Achievement.  Many of his books have not yet been translated into English, and those that have have been published out of sequence.
• John Scalzi, Lock In.  Science fiction novel, the first novel kin the series.  "Not too long from today, a new, highly contagious virus makes it way across the globe.  Most who get sick experience nothing worse than flu, fever, and headaches.  But for the unlucky 1 percent -- nearly five million souls in the United States alone -- the disease causes 'lock in':  [V]ictims are fully awake and aware, but are unable to move or respond to an stimulus.  The disease affects young, old, rich, poor, people of every color and creed.  The world changes to meet the challenge.  A quarter of a century later, in a world shaped by what is now known as 'Haden's syndrome,' rookie FBI agent Chris Shane is paired with veteran agent Leslie Vann.  They are assigned what appears to be a Haden-related murder at the Watergate hotel, with a suspect who is an 'Integrator' -- someone who can let the locked in borrow their bodies for a time.  If the integrator was carrying a Haden client, then  naming the suspect for the murder will be that much more complicated.  But 'complicated' doesn't begin to describe the puzzle that ensues.  As Shaen and Venn begin to unravel the threads of the murder, it becomes clear that the real mystery -- and the real crime -- is bigger than anyone could have imagined.  The world of the locked in is changing, and with change come opportunity that the ambitious will seize at any cost."
• John Saul.  Black Lightning.  Horror.  "For five years, Seattle has been seized in the terrifying grip of a monster as black as evil itself:  a sadistic serial killer who methodically lures his victims to grisly deaths in order to satisfy a twisted passion.  For five years journalist Anne Jeffers has pursued this horrifying story like a woman obsessed -- following the killer's capture, trial, and appeal -- crusading to keep the wheels of justice churning toward the electric chair, never believing the prisoner's steadfast denials of guilt.  Now the day of execution has come.  A convicted killer will meet his end.  Anne believes her five-year nightmare is over.  Until, within days, a similar murder stuns the city, forcing Anne to face some disturbing questions.  Was the wrong man put to death?  And is she to blame?  Or did he have an accomplice who longs to continue a bloody legacy?  Is a copycat killer at work?  But how could any imitator so uncannily re-create all the gruesome hallmarks of a murderer's modus operandi, details kept completely secret from all  but the police?"  Also, Second Child.  Horror.  'A lush, secluded Maine seaside resort.  summer playground of the superrich.  One hundred years ago, something disturbed their play.  Horror came into this village.  And though no none knows it yet, the horror has never left.  It waits for a shy young girl.  Outcast by her friends.  By her beautiful half sister.  Even by her own mother.  She knows how it feels to be unwanted.  Angry.  And the rage of blood-drenched vengeance.  Beware.  Beware the...SECLOND CHILD."  And, When the Wind Blows.  Horror.  "When the wind blows the children will cry...  The children were waiting.  Waiting for centuries.  Waiting for someone to her their cries.  Now nine-year-old Christie Lyons has come tom live in the house on the hill -- the house where no children have lived for fifty years.  Now little /Christie will sleep in the old-fashioned nursery on the third floor.  Now Christie's terror will begin.  When the wind blows the children must die!"  Saul tends to go to the children-in-danger plot well quite a bit.
• Neil Stephenson, Seveneves.  Science fiction.  "A catastrophe renders the world a ticking time bomb.  In a feverish race against the inevitable, nations around the globe band together to devise an ambitious plan to ensure the survival of humanity far beyond out atmosphere, in outer space.  But the complexities and unpredictability of human nature coupled with unforeseen challenges and dangers threaten the intrepid pioneers, until only a handful of survivors remain...  Five thousand years later, their progeny -- seven distinct races now three billion strong -- embark on yet another industrious journey into the unknown...to an alien world utterly transformed by cataclysm and time:  Earth."  This one won both a Prometheus and a Kurt Lasswitz Prize, and was nominated for five other major science fiction awards.
• Andrew Vachss, Dead and Gone.  Thriller, the 12th novel in the Burke series.  "It's not an unusual job for Burke -- ex-con, career criminal, and ultimate urban man-for-hire -- to act as middleman in an exchange of cash for a kidnapped child.  But this time the only things exchanged are bullets.  Burke loses his beloved partner, and lies in a hospital bed close to -- or maybe even past -- death, hovering in a netherworld of nightmares and hallucinations.  When he finally escapes from the hospital, his appearance has changed radically -- and so has he.  Burke's religion is revenge, and he is eager to begin worship.  Without the slightest clue as to who ordered the hit, he goes back to his original contact.  When that meeting ends in homicide, Burke goes even deeper underground than ever before.  He vanishes off every radar screen, and starts his hunt.  In order to connect the dots, Burke enlists the aid of a pilot he worked with during the war in Biafra:  a Russian-speaking Cambodian woman named Gem, and a mystical childhood friend -- the police would call him a codefendant -- who finds patterns where others find chaos.  Burke's search starts in Chicago and ends in the Pacific Northwest -- a foreign country to the New York City-bred Burke.  When a pattern finally emerges, Burke discovers truly foreign territory -- a place where pedophiles, neo-Nazis, abortion clinic bombers, and kiddie porn producers expect immunity from prosecution, a safe harbor for predatory degenerates.  And when he learns who is running the show, Burke must call upon a lifetime of training in the dark arts to do what he does best:  survive."  I used to gobble up the Burke novels like candy, but it's been about thirty years since I last read one.  Vachss was a lawyer and a strong advocate for child protection -- something that informed much of his writing.

HPL Hears a Who?:  This is what happens when Dr. Seuss meets Lovecraft's AT THE MOUNTINS OF MADNESS...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cr3bsFUtdM

Gurder May Become a Recruit for MAGA:  

"It's a well-known fact that women can't read," said Gurder.  "It's not their fault, of course.  Apparently their heads get too hot.  With the strain, you know.  It's just one of those things." -- Truckers by Terry Pratchett, 1989

Ursine Melodies:  Here are four of my favorites songs about bears:

First, the all-time classic, "The Teddy Bear Picnic" by Henry Hall & His Orchestra (1932):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZANKFxrcKU

"Waltzing with Bears" was a favorite song to sing with our kids and grandkids; tis version is by Gordon Bok, Anne Mayo Muir, and Ed Trickett; it helped that I had an Uncle Walter and that y daughter married a Walter:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdJGlqHMMYA

For pure joyous fun, it's hard to go wrong with "Simon Smith & The Amazing Dancing Bear" from the Alan Price Set:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVulPluv5jo

Sometimes the best things about a bear song is that it often has an important life lesson, as in Eric von Schmidt's "Hundred Acre Wood":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaNilBh9a88

Do you have a favorite bear song that I overlooked?

Off to Bloomingdale Asylum:  Georges Melies (1861-1938) was a pioneering French filmmaker, magician, and toymaker.  His influential short films helped introduce such techniques and special effects as substitution splices, multiple exposures, time-lapse photography, dissolves, and hand-painted color.  Almost all of his films were surreal and fantastic. often containing magical tricks and impossible events; audiences unused to this new art form were amazed.  His most famous film was A Trip to the Moon, with the moon looking very upset when a rocket ship landed in its eye. 

Here is a brief film from 1901, displaying slapstick humor and (unfortunately) racist blackface:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJWEZtz9ViU&list=PLB49B9F437E98973B&index=1

Work History:  My brother could never hold a job.  First, he worked in an orange juice factory, but he got canned because he couldn't concentrate.

Then he went to the woods and worked as a  lumberjack, but he could not hack it and he got axed.

He tried working as a tailor, but he was not suited for it, thinking it was just a sew-and-sew job.

The next job Kenny tried was in a muffler factory, but it was too exhausting.

He thought being a chef would add a little spice to his life, but he just did not have the thyme.

Never one to give up, he switched to working in a deli,  but he couldn't cut the mustard'

His efforts at being a musician were not noteworthy.

He was going to train to be a doctor, but he did not have any patience.

He couldn't fit in at the shoe factory, so he became a professional fisherman, but could not live on i=his net income.

There was a good job at a pool maintenance company, but the work was draining.

It turned out that employment at the local gym did not work out because he ws not fit for the work.

And so the years passed.  He finally got a job as a historian, but there was no future in it.

His last desperate attempt was a job art Starbucks, but, again, it was the same old grind.

Being the older and much wiser brother, I told him not to worry.  He will always have a job making me look good by comparison.

An Oldie but Not That Goodie:  A ham sandwich walks into the bar and the bartender tells him, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

The Relaxed Wife:  An educational film from 1957.  showing this to the women I know today would be akin to standing at the rim of Mount St. Helens ten minutes before it erupted in 1980.  Life in the 1950s could have its own special set of horrors.  ...And take note of the twin beds!  the film was produced as "a public service" by a division of Chas. Pfizer & Co,, Inc. because they are good guys and only want what is best for us.  Its actual purpose was to promote the tranquilizer Atarax.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndFHAaJ7cdQ&list=PLsm57FoigDY24PkCRsfey2hH8CDCUARzU&index=37

Animal Comics #1, December 1942:  This Dell Comic marks the first time Walt Kelly's Pogo and albert the Alligator appeared in print.  It also introduced Bumbazine, the little boy who lived at the edge of the swamp.  Bumbazine disappeared by the time the Pogo comic strip first appeared on October 4, 1948, with both Pogo and Albert undergoing significant modifications in appearance.

Kelly had worked for Disney from 1935 to 1941, and contributed to such animated films as Pinocchio, Fantasia, Dumbo, and The Reluctant Dragon.  He then went to Dell comics and created the Pogo and Albert characters late in that year. 

This is where Pogo started.  Missing are many of the later characters -- Howland Owl, Beauregard Bugleboy, Porkypine, Miz Mamzelle Hepzibah, Churchy La Femme, Rackety Coon Chile, Bun Rab, Pup Dog, Sis Boombah, Grundoon, Simple J. Malarky, Deacon Mushrat, P. T. Bridgeport, Seminole Sam, and so many others -- readers will have to wait six years or more for these wonderful characters to appear.

Enjoy this issue.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1N1eh84uz-6H3Rvr5pRWedO53rM9Cm5_p/view

Pad Kid:  According to researchers at the Massachusetts institute of Technology, the world's most difficult tongue twister is PAD KID POURED CURD PULLED COD, for reasons that are too complex to get into here.  The people at MIT insist that it is virtually impossible to say this ten times fast.

Other difficult tongue twisters include:

• IS IT HARDER TO TOOT OR TO TUTOR TWO TOOTERS TO TOOT?
• BRISK BRAVE BRIGADIERS BRANDISHED BROAD BRIGHT BLADES
• IF YOU MUST CROSS A COURSE, CROSS COW ACROSS A CROWDED COW CROSSING, CROSS THE CROSS, COURSE COW ACROSS THE CROWDED COW CROSSING CAREFULLY
• BETTY BOUGHT A BIT OF BUTTER, BUT THE BUTTER BETTY BOUGHT WAS BITTER, SO BETTY BOUGHT A BETTER BUTTER, AND IT WAS BETTER THAN THE BITTER BUTTER BETTY BOUGHT BEFORE
• HOW CAN A CLAM CRAM IN A CLEAN CREAM CAN?

Advice from Miss Manners:  "If you can't be kind, at least be vague." -- Judith Martin

  

FLORIDA MAN:

• Florida Man Edward Campuzano, 22, a former Barstow police officer has been arrested for poisoning  and killing his girlfriend's Maltese poodle while she was away on a trip.  According to the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office, Campuzano did not like the dog, and I suspect his girlfriend does like him any more, either.    The three-year-old dog's name was Milo (and I saw the picture and he was very cute).  Campuzano allegedly placed poison pellet in the dog's food dish.  The girl friend, Paula Fernadez, said that a neighbor had called her to tell that the dog was dead.  The shocked woman came home and had to clean up the vomited blood on the floor.  Later that day, Campuzana came by with flowers; "At the time I thought it was a sweet gesture, but now [...] is a pain I can't even describe."  The family brought the corpse to a veterinarian for a necropsy and learned that the dog had been poisoned.  The dog died in May of 2025, but police did not get a report until December 2025.  an investigation revealed that Campuzano had bought the poison two days earlier on his credit card at a Tractor Supply.
• Florida Man Isaac Hurley, 18, at an Englewood WalMart after live-streaming himself breaking into the store for a TikTok challenge.  He was found in the dog bed section of the store after closing hours.  Hurley had hoped to spend a full 24 hours in the store in order to get money from TikTok views. Hurley was arrested for burglary of an occupied structure and for petit theft; the theft charge came because he removed an iPhone charger from it packaging -- evidently he had not checked the battery on his phone before the stunt.
• Florida couple Tiffany Score and Stephen Mills have reached a confidential custody agreement allowing them to keep their child after a mix-up at a major Orlando fertility clinic resulting them in Score giving birth to a child of a different ethnicity.  Score and Mills are white; the child, a girl born this past December, is black.  The custody agreement was with the baby girl's biological parents.  Although a custody agreements have been finalized, the genetic parents will be meeting with Score and mills to discuss how to go on from here. DNA tracking of the March 2020 egg retrieval group allowed the biological mother to be identified.  Meanwhile, the Fertility Center of Orlando has permanently shut down as attorneys investigate the location and genetic viability of the parents' remaining missing embryos.  Despite this being a parent's nightmare, baby Shea will grow up in a loving family with the support of all four parents.
• In Polk Country, Florida Man Matthew Zaccarino, 39, of Altimonte Springs, was arrested as he was trespassing at an construction site.  Zaccarino, who was wearing a red lace bra with a gun hidden under its silicone breasts, told officers he was going to a costume party.  When asked where the party was, Zaccarino remained silent.  Sheriff Grady Judd said, "Then, we noticed he was wearing a G-string, showing off the boys.  You know what I mean?"  Judd added, "It was ugly.  It was so ugly."  Zaccarino was arrested for armed trespassing with a firearm, loitering or prowling, and resisting an officer without violence.
• Florida Man Kobe Watkins did not want to be identified, so he allegedly robbed a Lake City meat market in the nude wearing only a mask.  Surveillance video indicated that a trail of clothing and other evidence were left along his route of travel.  He has been charged with robbery with a weapon, exposure of sexual organs, grand theft and criminal mischief.  why rob a meat market in the nude, I wonder; they have meat cleavers.

Good News:

• This year's World's Cup matches have brought many heartwarming stories about the interaction between soccer fans from all over the world and the places they visited.  From Boston to Lawrence, Kansas, to New Orleans good news stories have been pouring in as many visitors begin to see the "true" America is not like what they are told on their local news and that Americans open their hearts to visitors to our country.  (One of the most interesting things is their reaction to ranch dressing -- as one Swedish influencer said, "Why did not one tell me ranch sauce is like crack?  EUROPE WE NEED RANCH ASAP.")  And here is just one little tidbit about our international visitors:        https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/japanese-fans-cleaned-the-stadium-after-world-cup-match-while-the-players-cleaned-locker-room/
• A twelve-year-old girl from Wales saves her fiend form  both drowning and a seizure      https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/a-little-hero-saves-her-friend-from-both-drowning-and-a-seizure/
• Non-surgical procedure developed to ease knee pain      https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/knee-pain-suffered-by-millions-can-be-eased-using-new-non-surgical-procedure/
• Artist rewards hospital staff with portraits after surviving brain cancer       https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/artist-beats-brain-cancer-and-paints-amazing-portraits-of-hospital-staff/
• New York police detective spends months locating a wedding ring stolen from a dementia patient           https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/detective-spends-months-searching-for-stolen-dementia-patients-ring-finds-it-in-a-pawnshop-miles-away/
• Six-year-old finds ancient Viking sword on a school field trip  https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/6-year-old-finds-ancient-viking-sword-on-school-field-trip-buried-for-1300-years/
• People helping others        https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/thousands-donate-to-help-nebraska-ranchers-who-couldnt-feed-their-animals-after-wildfire/
• And kindness is rewarded      https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/woman-who-rescued-injured-crow-keeps-getting-thank-you-gifts-from-other-birds/

Today Is National Kissing Day, So Here's a Poem for the Occasion:

The Kiss

Before you kissed me only winds of heaven

Had kissed me, and the tenderness of rain --

Now you have come, how can I care for kisses

Like those again?

I sought the sea, she sent her winds to meet me,

They surged about me singing of the south --

I turned my head away to keep still holy

Your kiss upon my  mouth.

And swift sweet rains of shining April weather

Found not my lips where living kisses are;

I bowed my head lest they put out my glory

As rain puts out a star.

I am my love's and he is mine forever,

Sealed with a seal and safe forevermore --

Think you that I could let a beggar enter

Where a king stood before?

-- Sara Teasdale