Openers: Captain Sir Haddingway Ingraham Jameson Ingraham of his Majesty's Royal Frontier Houssa Police -- less formally known as Hiji from Lagos to Bathurst -- was engaged in the pleasing and harmless pastime od shooting crocks.
A grinning Krooboy, naked save for a breech-clout and a blue celluloid comb thrust in his kinky hair, squatted along the river bank with a long pole in his hand. Attacjhed to the pole was a length of strong, stout string, and at the string's far end there dangled the remains of a deceased cooking dog which swished slowly through the muddy waters of the Luabala with a motion counterfeiting swimming. Crocks are always hungry and ever guiltly of the sin of gluttony, and the appetizing scent of the defunct dog wasalure no crock, no matter how inhibited, could withstand. So presently there showed a long, triangular ripple on the surface of the water, and at its apex was the long pointed armored snout and knob-set eyes of a voracious saurian. The Krooboy was an old hand at the game and played the crocodile skillfully. Without appearing to do so, the bait increased its rate of speed, and the crock paddled faster, caution lost in appetite. The dog came closer to the shore, the crcodile in hot pursuit. Then Hiji raised his 9.5-mm Mannlicher-Schoenauer, took quick aim, and fired.
Your African crocodile is a tough customer. From ten to twenty feet in length, and armored like a tank, his skull is thick and hard as metal, his brain pan small, his vitality enormous. You can shoot him full of holes as a fly-net, yet cause him little more than temporary inconvenience till you hit a vital spot, and vital spots are few and far between. But Hiji was no duffer with a rifle. He could put a bullet through the trefoil of the ace of clubs at thirty paces, and the lone pip on the ace of clubs is considerably smaller than a cdocodile's eye. Also a Mannlicher-Schoenauer fires a bullet weighing 261.7 grams with a muzzle velocity of 2,600 feet per second and strikes with the power of 4,200 foot pounds. The crock lashed once or twice with his long tail, then sank beneath the surface or turned belly-up, webbed feet and short legss pointing to the sky. Post-mortems were invariably the same. The newly deceased crcok's cousins, aunts, sisters, and brothers swam to devour him, and Hiji potted one or two of them before they dragged him under or swam out of range.
-- "The White Goddess of the Khiva" by Seabury Quinn (from Short Stories, October 25, 1947
In a story riddled with stereotypes and a rascism that woiuld not sit well with today's readers, Seabury Quinn did what he usually did -- concoct an interesting and exciting tale. Quinn was never a stylist but, like Edgar Rice Burroughs and Robert E. Howard, he was able to propel a story, no matter how trite, into a rollercoaster of thrills and action.
Here we have Hiji, the brave, young, and practical leader of British troops sent to enforce English law in Centrl West Africa, an admistrator whose determination and swift action made him feared and respected by the tribes he oversaw. Hiji's reputation has kept the various tribes or or less settled, leving him little to do save for indulging in his hobby of shooting crocdiles. But his pastime is interupped by the appearance of a delegation of four Iliki wariors who had traveled 300 miles on the Luabala to presnt a grievance to Hiji.
Six months before the Khiva, a fierce tribe of cannibal warriors, began worshipping a powerful white goddess. Blonde, beautiful, and silent, she communicates only with the witch doctor Hiksoka during the dead of night. Since this goddess appeared, the crops were full, game was abundant, many male children had been born, and people were less inpacted by sickness. Truly this was a powerful goddess. The she instructed the Khiva to go to was against a small village and the Khiva wiped out the village and feasted on the dead bodies. When the Khiva attacked the Iliki, they managed to repel the invaders at a heavy cost. Since then the Khiva have been consorting to sorties, stealing the Iliki goats and grain, capturing their men, and tking their women for the slave trade. Now the Iliki are appealing to the powerful Hiji for justice. Hiji's reaction? A stout curse: "My Aunt Mehitabel's best Sunday-going-to-meetin' bustle!"
Hiji feels the tale of a white goddess was a bit of hokum. A white goddess is on the par with the Loch Ness Monster or the Jersey Devil -- there can be no such thing. He sets out to finds the truth with a troop of soldiers on his utility boat, the Wilhelmina. The boat travels along the Luabala and when it reaches the confluence of the Mendi-Mendi, which would lead to the territory of the Khiva, the boat continues up the Luabala. When Khiva spies reprted this to the fat King Hefela, the king prises the white goddess who obviously led Hiji away from the tribe. They tribe celebrated and danced and ate a young man randomly selected for sacrifice by Hiksoka.
Ah! But Hiji was cunning. He and some twenty soldiers had left the vessel downstream before it had reached the Mendi-Mendi and were now traveling through the jungle to surprise the Khavi. But King Hefela was also cunning, he had warriors posted as guards along all the trails leading to his village and one of the guards reported of Hiji's advance. Since there was only one trail from that direction leading to the village, Hefela knew of the perfect spot to waylay Hiji and his men. And so they do and Hiji and his soldiers are captured and about to be sacrificed. Hefela asks Hiji if his liver is tough enough to be made into a drum.
Golly, things look dire! But don't worry. Hiji carries the White Man's Burden well and comes out on top. And who -- or what -- was the white goddess? Sorry, but that would be telling.
Seaabiry Quinn was a lawyer who practiced mortuary law and taught mortuary jurisprudence in mortury schools for many years. He wrote a two textbooks on the subject. For 15 years he was also the editor of a mortuary trade magazine, Casket and Sunnyside. He also contributed to The American Funeral Director, Dodge Magazine (an enbalming magazine for the Dodge Chemical Company), and othe trade journals. All of which is a fitting background for his over-the-top weird tales of horror and grotesque crime. He is best known for his series about the occult detective Jules de Grandin, who battled supernatural forces in over ninety tales published in Weird Tales. Quinn was the popular author in the magazine, more so than H. P. Lovecraft, Clark Ashton Smith, or Robert E. Howard (the three big names most commonly assiciated with Weird Tales), and Quinn's name on the cover would resuilt in increased sales.
Quinn was prolific and wrote many other stories in the detective and oriental fantasy fields. His novella Roads, which used original Christian legends to come up with a new origin for Santa Claus, is considered a classic. A three-volume set of stories he wrote for Dodge Magazine under the pseudonym "Jerome Burke," This I Remember: Memoirs of a Funeral Director, has been published by Battered Silicon Dispatch Box, a company which has also published all of Quinn's known work.
Incoming:
- Dan Simmons, The Fifth Heart. Mysery. "It is 1893, and Sherlock Holmes and Hanry James have come to America to solve the mystery of the 1895 'suicide' of Clover Adams, a member of the same Adams family that has given the United States two presidents. Holmes and James suspect foul play -- and that it may involve matters of national importance. On his Great Hiatus after his 'death' at Reichenbach Falls, Holmes explains that his powers of deduction have led him to a shocking conclusion that he -- Sherlock Holmes -- is a fictional character. This disturbs James with the question: If his fellow investigator is a work of fiction, what does that make him? Teeming with vividly drawn historical characters, The Fifth Heart is a fascinating and often amusing thriller with surprises at every turn." Dan Simmons writes big fat books, all of them well plotted, detailed, and addictive. There are few who can equal him.
- Florida Man Steven Wayne Yoakum, 51, of Wildwood, has not learned his lesson. Convicted of stalking his ex-girlfriend, he served more than six months for violating his parole by stalking the same woman. After his release from jail, guess who he began stalking once again. He is currently being held on $10,000 bail.
- Florida Woman Darlene Ann Schoff-Brock, 62, of Dania Beach, evidently did not what to do with the body of her brother whom she allegedly murdered in 2014, so she buried him in her backyard. Following a tip. the Broward County Sheriff's office set uip an interview with Schoff-Brock to talk about her brother, Donald Marks Schoff, whom Schoff=Brock had said had been out of the country for several years. The following day, her lawyer called to cancel the interview. Police dug in Schoff-Brock's backyard and found a body which had been shot in the back of the head and which DNA analysis had shown belonged to a male child of Scoff-Brock's mother. Neighbors decribed Schoff s "nice" and "mostly quiet." The motive for the slaying is unclear, although the pair had been known to argue over money, with Schoff accusing his sister of stealing from him.
- Pinellias County Florida Man Steven Jordan, 31, ws arrested for threatening Disney on Twitter. Jordan had opened a Twitter account on August 8 and made 186 tweets within a three-hour period. Two of those tweets were directed at Walt Disney World and its executives, threatening to "blow up all of your exec houses with C4" and to "toss a hand grenade through their loft window." Jordan admitted to authorities that he was responsible for those tweets, as well as other directed against Activision Games and at current litigation issues. As with Yokum (above), he is being held on $10,000 bond. We have no idea what his beef was against the Mouse, but Twitter shut his account the following day.
- This guy may not be Mike Tyson, but Florida Man James Lenn Williams, of Port St. Lucie, was arrested for biting off part of a friend's ear during a brawl at a Key West hotel. Williams was partying with a male friend and two women when one of the women passed out. Williams put the woman in a maintenance wheelbarrow and began wheeling her to a hotel room; he also poured beer on the unconscious woman and verbally insulted her. The woman then awakened and the trio tried to calm Williams down. Williams responding by pushing both women to the floor. this did not sit well with his male friend and the brouhaha started. Williams began by choking his friend and then advanced to biting off part of his ear. I am tempted to write "ear today, gone tomorrow," but I have much better taste than that.
- Locals digging a well accidently discover a $140 million star sapphire weightin half a ton https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/2-5-million-caret-sapphire-discovered-in-sri-lanka-weighing-half-a-ton/
- Solar-powered beach-combing robot filters even tiny particles of plastic 30 time faster that humans can https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/beach-cleaning-robot-helps-4ocean-clean-plastic-from-beaches/
- Teen rescues a bumblebee and now it won't leave her side -- even sleeping in a jar beside her bed https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/teen-rescues-bumblebee-and-now-it-wont-leave-her-side/
- Man's dog went missing two years before, then he recognizes him on television https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/man-sees-his-dog-on-tv-that-went-missing-2-years-ago/
- Police dog trained to find weapons aces special assignment to find lost wedding ring on a sandy beach https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/police-dog-finds-lost-diamond-ring-on-beach-elsa-green/
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